November 16, 2023
Dear Parents,
Competition is now taken for granted as a part of life, much more than it used to be in times gone by. All sorts of activities that we learnt from and enjoyed as children, such as, singing, painting, drawing, chess, dramas and so much more have now become competitive. Is this always necessary? Think back about this for a moment and for those of you who are young parents, please ask your parents about the earlier, more carefree days 🙂
At the PECHS Girls’ School, we encourage and prefer collaboration and team work over competition. As parents you endorse, support and praise our policies of no admission test for the little ones and on-going assessment in the lower primary section. In most schools admission is a highly competitive process. Even kindergartners have exams. But not here. Why? This is part of our belief in building up reserves of inner strength to deal with the stress of competing which sadly is inevitable later in life.
Admissions, assessments and examinations bring on unnecessary stress and we don’t believe in pitting children against each other unnecessarily. We really need a world where we cooperate, understand and empathise with each other, don’t we? We urge you to encourage your children to do their own personal best, to become their best selves and not to push them to do better than their peers or to outrun or outsmart them.
Please support your children to be better and do better than they did previously. So many children I meet in our Nurture Room are anxiety-ridden because of the high expectation their parents have of high grades. I urge those parents to ease up a little. Our children need unconditional love and acceptance, which is not based on how well they do in tests, exams and competitions.
I also hear of children who are devastated if they don’t get a part in a play, or are not in the final race on sports day, because someone else was better during auditions or preliminary heats for races. They burst into tears and are inconsolable for extended periods of time. It is hard on them. It is really okay if they don’t qualify; maybe next time they will. They will have their chance to shine at something else. We have to accept it is a tough world and teaching our children resilience and to lose gracefully is very important. Our SEL Goal for the year is all about being aware of and managing our emotions. A little help from you all will go a long way.
I reiterate, please encourage your children to do their best. Help them to settle into a stable routine, to sleep on time, to eat nutritious meals and study regularly every single day (like REEDS suggests) instead of staying up late and hardly sleeping the night before an exam. Tired, stressed-out children cannot do their best.
So, I will now go on to share some views in favour of and against competition. As parents, it is your prerogative or right to decide how to raise your children, but please do give it some serious thought without worrying about “loug kya kahenegy.”
1. We often hear the term “healthy” competition and that it is good and it motivates us. Well, I suppose competitions can be enjoyable every now and again, but don’t you think we can build a stronger, more contented, healthier, and all-round happier society by cooperating with one another – at school, at work, and at home. In today’s world, it seems we need to care for and find love in our hearts for others.
2. So yes, while competition can motivate us to strive for success, it can also have several negative consequences. These include stress and pressure, a lack of collaboration, unfairness, dishonesty, anxiety and a fear of failure which leads to lack of confidence and poor mental health. Competition can easily lead to an environment of hostility and distrust which hinders real progress. Team work promotes problem solving, active listening and open-mindedness with team members working towards a common goal.
3. Competing with someone else is okay as long as it’s not causing you emotional distress. By competing with your friends, classmates, or teammates, you may run faster, increase your motivation, study more, and work harder toward your goals. So yes, there can be positive types of competitiveness.
4. Competitiveness can be problematic when someone is overcompetitive. For someone who is overcompetitive, winning is all that counts. Such people have a very strong urge to win at all costs because being a ‘winner’ is a big part of their identity. It can define them. They may use unfair strategies to win, because they actually have low self-esteem and a lot of self-doubt, anxiety and potentially other negative feelings, but they ‘need’ to win. It doesn’t sound very healthy, does it? Most people are not like this, but competitiveness can still stress them out, or interfere with their enjoyment of life.
5. There can be positive types of competitiveness. Competing with yourself, focusing on your personal development, can be a good thing, as long as you are kind to yourself and not overly critical. While you are doing this, you may still be in “competition” with someone else but your focus is not on “someone else.” Your focus is just on yourself. You are motivated by your self-achievement and a desire to master the task. You try hard to do your best (not be the best) and improve your knowledge or skills during the process of competition. This can lead to higher self-esteem, self-development, self-discovery, and task enjoyment. It’s all about balance.
6. But if competitiveness starts to take over your thoughts, makes you feel miserable or leads you to neglect other important things, like friendship, then it is a problem. It can lead to problems such as isolation and burnout too. It can also drive you towards perfectionism which can lead to unhappiness. And at the end of the day, is that what we want for our children?
So, is being competitive good or bad? Well, it depends. Competition can be good and bad so you’ll need to keep an eye on it yourself. You have to think about what you really want for your children at the end of the day. It can be hard not to get pulled into a competitive mindset when it’s all around you, but if you don’t stop and reflect on it, and how it may be affecting you, your child and your relationship with her, it could end up making you pretty stressed too. And that certainly isn’t healthy for your family. Please put your child first when you are thinking about this, not what others may say, not how your child’s cousins may be doing, or neighbours. People will talk! Please stay strong if your child is not happy to compete, then don’t force her. Don’t pressurise her. Please. She will find her strength as she grows and will surprise you with what she is best at. Have patience for your own beautiful little bud to blossom in her own time.
As I conclude this note I have to reassure you that our students do actually learn to compete. They represent their school, but that is at a later stage. Most competitions we participate in are for our Senior Section. Children in our Primary Section have a lot of other things to learn, including learning how to learn. However, just recently our primary students also went for a throwball match. Please look at our website for news on competitions we take part in.
We receive numerous emails announcing competitions that are purely money-making rackets and we don’t participate in those. Our school calendar is very full with inter-school House competitions and intra-school competitions too. We go to various schools for friendly competitions. We learn to win some and to lose some. We also participate in certain art and literature competitions organised by credible, reputable institutions. So please, do trust us on deciding which, when and how many competitions children should be involved in.
My prayer is that together we will raise our children to feel physically and emotionally safe with a healthy mindset – children who keep developing their strengths and interests – children who learn to excel in their chosen fields which make them happy, contributing members of their families, society and country. Insha’Allah little by little, we will get there.
Take good care of yourselves.
Mahenaz Mahmud
Team Leader SEL
PECHS Girls’ School